


The Things We Don't Say

by Donovanspen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Frustrated Alec, Halloween Tricks, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Protective Magnus Bane, talking it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-03 13:45:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16327394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: A routine patrol to check out a haunted carnival results in an unexpected 'trick' for Alec.





	1. Chapter 1

“So, they think it’s warlocks?” Catarina asked.

“That’s what he said,” Magnus replied, still sour from his earlier conversation with Alec.

“Strange stuff always happens around Halloween,” Catarina pointed out, taking another sip of her wine.

“So I’ve heard.”

Catarina fixed him with a look.  “You’re annoyed that he’s benched you.”

“I could have helped.” Magnus protested, his argument sounding too much like petulant whining.

“Undoubtedly,” she said, “but checking out a bunch of kids at a supposed haunted carnival? Your centuries of knowledge would be wasted.”

“Well, I’m not doing much good sitting here.”

“Except for feeling sorry for yourself. I can’t believe you’re honestly stewing over not being allowed to go out on a routine Shadowhunter patrol. Even when you were the High Warlock, you stayed out of Halloween shenanigans.”

Magnus glared at her, but Cat wasn’t known for holding her punches. She’d cried with him as he tried to adjust to the loss of his magic, but apparently, she had decided she was done indulging him.

“That look doesn’t work on me. Never has. Let your Shadowhunter do his thing, and you get back to doing yours. I’m thinking of taking a few days off work and taking Madzie to Ragnor’s summer cottage. It would be good for her to get out of the city, and it would give us a chance to go through his library, see if we can find anything to help restore your magic.”

“I don’t know if now is a good time,” Magnus hedged.

“You wouldn’t have hesitated before. I know you’ve changed, but you’re still Magnus. You haven’t lost any of your knowledge, have you?” Cat challenged.

“Well, no ….”

“Then put it to use. Let’s keep looking. Help me teach Madzie. Write some journals. Let’s get to work and raise a little hell doing it.”

Magnus smiled. “Cat, my dear. I have always loved how you think.”

She held up her glass.  “Then pour me another and let’s make some plans.”

 

It was close to midnight before Magnus heard the front door close. He and Cat had laughed and talked and drank for hours, and he was feeling better than he had in weeks. He was looking forward to sharing that good mood.

“And how was your night?” he asked, relieved to see that Alec appeared to be unharmed and no worse from his evening patrol.

“Uneventful, pretty much like I thought it would be. It was nice to be back out in the field with Jace, though.” Alec crossed the room and brushed a kiss across his lips. “You’re up late.”

“Yes, well, the evening got away from me. Catarina and I were talking and making plans, and the time just flew by.”

“Catarina was here?”

“Yes. She had a sitter for Madzie, and we spent the evening catching up.”

“Just the two of you?” Alec asked, his voice wavering a bit.

Magnus looked at Alec, feeling as if something was off. He often spent time with his friend, and Alec had never showed any discomfort before. “Yes. Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing. I was just … curious.  So, what did you do?” Alec asked, his voice a little higher than it had been a few minutes ago.

“Talk, drink wine. The usual. Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah, guess I’m just a little tired.”

“And everything was fine on your mission tonight?” Magnus pressed.

“Yeah, good. It was good.”

Magnus took another hard look at his boyfriend, looking for any hint of what might be causing his odd behavior. “And nothing unusual happened? Did you run into anything strange at the haunted carnival?”

“No. It was all routine, typical mundane Halloween events.  So, you and Catarina didn’t do anything special?”

“No, just a quiet night in,” Magnus answered, still unsure as to why he kept asking about Cat.  “And now that we’ve established that we’ve both had a rather uneventful night, why don’t we turn in? It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah,” Alec nodded, giving him a small smile.

Magnus chalked it up to end of day weariness and began his evening routine. Alec went about his as well, and by the time they crawled under the sheets, he was no longer thinking about their earlier conversation.

“Come here, darling.” Magnus held his arm out and pulled Alec closer to him. They traded soft kisses, and Magnus allowed the stress of the day to fade away as he lost himself in the heat of his love.

 

Magnus was pouring the first cups of coffee when Alec joined him in the kitchen the following morning. “Just in time, although I had hoped you would sleep a bit longer.” Magnus added cream and sugar to his cup and a bit of sugar to Alec’s.

“You’re up early,” Alec commented, leaning against the counter, still looking sleep-tousled despite being dressed for the day.

“Yes. I woke up feeling refreshed and decided to get started with the day.” He placed Alec’s cup in front of him and then leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s cheek.

“Thanks.” Alec took a sip of his coffee. “Missed waking up with you.”

“Mmm, that is quite the pleasant experience. I’m sorry I left you this morning. You looked so peaceful, and it’s not often that you get the opportunity to rest,” Magnus explained.

“So, you weren’t upset about last night?” Alec asked, paying more attention to his coffee cup than Magnus.

Magnus stopped gathering plates and looked at him. “Alexander, I’m not upset about the carnival. I understand why you determined that you didn’t need my help.”

“No, um, not that…I meant last night when we, um….”

Magnus would have found the rosiness on his cheeks adorable if he wasn’t so stunned to see Alec so flustered referring to something they both so openly had shared. Alec hadn’t been this shy referring to their sex life in months, and he was wondering what brought about that change now.

“Alexander, do you think I’m upset about something that happened while we were intimate last night?”

Alec gave a shrug and continued staring at his cup, the red blush spreading further down his neck.

“Sweetheart, have I given you the impression that I’ve been anything but delighted with you?”

“No. I was just thinking that maybe you might want … that you … I mean,” Alec trailed off with a groan and covered his face with his hands.

“Alexander.” Magnus walked over and ran a soothing hand through Alec’s hair. “Are you sure you feel ok?”

“I’m fine,” Alec replied, pulling away. “Never mind. Forget I said anything.”

“I wish I could, but I still think we need to talk. And please know that you can tell me anything.”

Alec looked up at Magnus, seeming more uncertain than embarrassed now. “It’s nothing. I was just wondering if you were ok with what we do together.”

“More than ok, sweetheart. What brought this on?”

“You know,” Alec said with a shrug. “I’m sure you’ve had more … adventurous lovers.”

Magnus was finally catching on to where Alec was going with this conversation. And it made his heart heavy to realize that Alec was feeling unsure of their relationship. “Yes, I’ve had a few lovers in the past who had what you call adventurous tastes.” He saw Alec’s shoulders droop with that admission. 

“But,” he continued, wrapping his arms around him, “I am more than fulfilled with you. I have no complaints. Please do not think for a second that you are lacking in any way. Ok?”

Alec hesitated a moment before nodding and giving Magnus a quiet “ok”. 

Magnus wanted to press a little more, but Alec insisted he needed to get to the Institute.  It wasn’t ideal, but he knew it was probably best to give Alec some space right now.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a quiet, uneventful day. It had been such a long time that Magnus had almost forgotten what a calm day felt like. He did some shopping, some cleaning and then decided to spend time in his study. He was still quite adept at brewing potions, and today he felt like working on a few basic healing potions. He quickly lost himself in the soothing routine only to be interrupted by the constant ringing of his phone.

“Yes?”

“Magnus, it’s Izzy.”

A spike of worry shot through him. Random phone calls during the day didn’t always bode well. “Isabelle, please tell me this is a social call.”

“Somewhat.”

“No injuries?” he asked, his breath lodged in his throat.

“No. Alec has been in the Institute all day. But he has been acting a little off. I was wondering if you had noticed anything.”

“Off as in how?” Magnus asked, his relief at hearing that Alec hadn’t suffered any physical injuries starting to fade.

“He seems to be struggling with making decisions. Usually, he hands out the assignments and files the report, and we all keep moving forward.  Today, he seems like he’s second-guessing everything, like he’s unsure of his ability to lead,” Isabelle explained.

Now that sounded familiar.  “Is he upset?”

“Getting more agitated as the day goes on.  Magnus, did something happen?”

“Not to my knowledge, my dear.  It did appear as if something was weighing on his mind earlier this morning. Maybe he should take the rest of the day and come home.”

“Yeah, I’ll see what I can do. Jace says he feels a jumble of emotions coming off him, and he’s been driving him up the wall. I’ll send you a text once he leaves.”

“Thank you, dear. I’ll be waiting for him.”         

 

 

It took longer than he’d like before he heard the front door open.  Despite Isabelle’s call, he was unprepared for the sight that greeted him. Weariness washed off Alec in waves, yet his hands twitched at his sides and his eyes cast about the room not landing anywhere specific. The most telling, though, was that he didn’t immediately come to greet Magnus.

“Darling, are you all right?”

“Yeah, it was just a trying day. There’s a lot going on,” Alec replied, removing his weapons and placing them in their usual spot by the door.

“How about a drink and you can tell me all about it,” Magnus soothed, leading him over to the sofa.

He fixed their drinks, making his a double, and then joined Alec, placing the drinks on the coffee table in front of them. He reached over and took Alec’s hands in his. “What happened?”

“I dunno. I know what I wanted to do, but every time I got ready to make a decision, it didn’t seem like the right one. All these doubts kept coming up, and my mind kept replaying it all, thinking about everything that could go wrong,” Alec said. He leaned back against the sofa and closed his eyes. “I don’t know.”

“Is this how you were feeling this morning?”

Alec tensed but didn’t open his eyes. “Maybe.”

Magnus thought for a moment. He had his suspicions, but he needed to be sure. “Alexander, just so I’m clear. There are some areas where you feel uncertain, and this is causing you to be more distressed than usual?”

Alec huffed out a sigh.  “I don’t know. It’s not like I’m worried.”

“Then what is it?”

“I don’t know. I can’t explain it.”

“Try, Alexander.”

“I am,” Alec said, his voice rising as he finally turned to look at Magnus. “It’s hard to put into words.”

“Well, can you tell me what it was about work today? I know that you’ve had bad days, but this felt different? Was the Clave pressuring you?”

“No.” His voice was calmer now, but he was starting to fidget. “I just had some decisions to make, but I couldn’t stop thinking what’s the point? It felt like nothing I was doing was making a difference so why even bother?”

It wasn’t the first time that Alec had expressed doubts about his ability to lead the New York Institute.  There were days when he came home and vented to Magnus, but Alec had never been to a point before where he was unable to make the hard decision and follow through. However, none of this felt like the usual venting after a stressful day.

“Alexander, this morning…”

“Magnus.”

“Alexander, please.  Do you feel the same way about us? Do you have misgivings about what we do together?”

Alec groaned, and it seemed as if he were trying to hold back his words.

“Tell me. Please.”

“Magnus, we talked about this. I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”

“And you weren’t worried that you were somehow inadequate in comparison to people I’ve dated in the past?”

Alec’s breath hitched, and he wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I never said inadequate. Is that what you think?”

“Of course not, dear. I’m just trying to figure this out,” Magnus reassured him in a quiet voice.

“What’s to figure out? We talked this morning, and you said it was fine,” he said, his voice loud in contrast to Magnus’s.

“Alexander. I need you to calm down.”

“No. What are you saying?” Alec practically yelled, his breath starting to come in deep gasps.

Magnus was alarmed at how quickly Alec’s mood had escalated. His boyfriend wasn’t an overly emotional person, and Magnus wasn’t sure how to handle this outburst.             

“Sweetheart, I need you to try to take a deep breath for me. Can you do that?”

Tears were starting to form in Alec’s eyes as he struggled to control his breathing. “I’m trying. Why is this happening?”

“I have an idea, and I promise we’ll get this sorted out. Can you wait here for just a minute? Let me make a call.”

Alec turned wide watery eyes towards him. “Who are you calling?”

“Just going to call Cat and see if she can help shed some light as to what’s going on,” Magnus explained.

“Cat? Do we really need her? You just saw her yesterday.”

Now that he knew the nature of what was bothering Alec, it didn’t take much for Magnus to figure out what his problem was with Catarina. And while he knew that Alec was very fond of his friend, he was troubled to realize that this was just another area where Alec was having doubts.

“Darling, if I could do this myself, I would, but I can’t.”

“So you do blame me,” Alec whispered, wrapping his arms around himself and pulling away from Magnus.

“Alexander?”

“Your magic. You lost it because of me.”

“Alexander.  I love you and can’t imagine my life without you. But right now, I just want to make you feel better, and we need Cat’s help. I’m going to call her, ok?”

Alec gave him a shaky nod. 

“Ok, good.” He went and got his cell phone and then came and sat back down beside Alec. He dialed Cat and then reached over and took Alec’s hand.

“Cat, hi. Can you come over? I think Alec has been affected by a spell.” He felt Alec squeeze his hand.  “Thank you.”

He pressed the ‘End’ button and turned to his boyfriend. “She’s on her way.”

A portal opened within a few minutes, and Magnus was so relieved to see her.  “Thank you for coming. Alexander, Cat is just going to check you over and see if her magic can detect anything. Is that all right?”

“Magnus. You don’t have to talk to me like I’m a child. I’m good.”

He wasn’t so sure about that, but hopefully, this would all be over soon. He went to move away to give Cat room to work, but Alec tightened his grip on his hand, so he just scooted over a bit.

Cat stepped forward and stretched out her hand, warm tendrils of magic flowing over Alec. She made a small murmuring sound and then dropped her hand.  “Well, you’re right. I do detect a spell. It’s fairly simple, one meant to highlight one’s insecurities.”

Alec looked up at her and then over to Magnus. “What next? How do I get rid of it?” he asked.

“It’s an easy counter spell,” Cat told him. “Magnus?”

“Yes, I’m familiar with it. With your permission, Alexander, Cat will go ahead and remove the spell.”

With a loud sniffle, Alec nodded his head.

Magnus reached over and ran his finger over Alec’s wet cheeks. “This will all be over soon, sweetheart.”

Cat was finished within two minutes. Alec blinked and looked over at Magnus. “Is that it?”

Magnus glanced over at Cat who nodded. “Yes.  How are you feeling?”

He cleared his throat.  “I’m good,” he repeated.

“All right. I’m going to let you two talk. Magnus, call me.” Cat said as she opened a portal.

Magnus waited until they were alone before addressing his boyfriend. “Alexander.”

“Magnus. I’m so sorry.”

“For what exactly?”

“Magnus.”

“For not telling me about all the doubts that you’ve been having about us, perhaps?”

“You’re angry,” Alec sighed.

“No, Alexander. I’m surprised and a little heartbroken that you’ve been feeling this way and never told me.” Magnus stood up and walked out onto the balcony. So much had been happening in their lives, and throughout the entire upheaval, he’d always felt as if Alexander was his rock. Sure, every couple had their issues, but he had thought they were on solid ground.

The loss of his magic had been devastating, but he had never wavered in his devotion to Alexander or questioned whether he’d made the right choice. But now, he had no idea how to feel. Sometimes, it all just felt like too much.  He heard Alec come up behind him.

“Magnus, please. What can I do?”

He could hear the soft pleading in his voice and knew Alec was hurting as well. He just didn’t know how to help either of them.  “You can start by actually telling me what you’re feeling.”

“I do tell you. Sometimes I feel a little unsure, but it’s not how I always feel. Why get all worked up over a few random thoughts?”

“I think this is a little more than random thoughts, Alexander.”

“It’s really not. And it’s not like you haven’t pushed me away when you needed some time.”

“You’re right.” Magnus turned around to face him.  “But I did eventually talk to you. Would you have ever told me about any of this, other than work? Would you have told me that you sometimes feel insecure over my deep friendship with Cat? Would you have shared your concerns about our sex life? The guilt you carry regarding the loss of my magic?”

Alec looked devastated as he shook his head. “What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to feel as if you can tell me anything,” Magnus replied. “I want to know what you need.”

“Right now, I want you to hold me, but I don’t feel like I have the right to ask that of you.”

“Oh, Alexander.” Magnus opened his arms and pulled Alec close to him, holding him tight as he blinked away his own tears. “You always have that right.”

Minutes passed as they held each other. Eventually, Magnus pulled back, placing his palms on Alec’s cheeks. He waited until Alec met his gaze. “Better?”

“Not really. I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know. I’m not angry but finding out as the result of a spell….”

Alec wrapped his hands around Magnus’s and gave them a gentle squeeze. “Magnus, I’m confident in my abilities as a Shadowhunter, and I know I can run the Institute better than most. But I grew up hearing that I needed to be better, that my best wasn’t good enough. Sometimes, it’s hard to drown out those voices, even if I know otherwise.”

“And Catarina?”

“I like her. You know I do.”

“I wish I knew what you were thinking, but there’s obviously something troubling you.”

Alec took a deep breath and rubbed his hand across his forehead. “Sometimes seeing you with her just reminds me of how much of your life I know nothing about, little things that you shared with her a hundred years ago.” He shrugged. “I’ll never have anything close to that with you.”

He had assumed as much, but it still hurt to hear it. “I understand how you must feel, but please remember that you and I share a very unique relationship as well.”

“I know, and that’s why I didn’t bring it up. Sometimes, it just hits me, but I wouldn’t change anything.”

“Not even in the bedroom?”

Alec hesitated. “I want to be good for you. I know you’re always so careful not to push me. I don’t want to hold you back.”

“You don’t. I find no pleasure in pressuring you into anything, and I’m sure you feel the same. We talk and we decide together. It isn’t the act, but the person I choose to be with.”

“Again, I know this…” he trailed off with a shrug.

“I realize it’s not easy to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. I struggle as well, but you have always been there for me. I wish you would grant me that same opportunity.”

“Can we just take a minute?”

“Of course,” he answered with a smile, needing a moment as well.  “Why don’t you grab a shower while I get dinner started?”

Alec nodded. He leaned forward but hesitated a moment. Magnus refused to allow any more distance to grow between them. He reached up and wrapped his hand around the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

 

 

They had a quiet dinner, but the peaceful evening that Magnus had hoped for wasn’t coming together. There was still too much left unsaid, and he knew they had to clear the air before they could move forward.

Magnus fixed them both an after-dinner drink and asked Alexander to join him on the sofa.  “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” Alec took his drink and sat next to him.

“Do you remember what happened at the carnival?”

Alec looked over in surprise. “Yeah. Why?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s where you first encountered the spell.  Do you recall anyone saying anything to you?”

“It was just the usual carnival gimmicks. There was this one tent, though. They read my fortune.”

“And predicted bad things and wanted to sell you a protection spell or charm?” Magnus asked.

Alec sighed. “Guess you would have been helpful on that patrol after all.”

Magnus hummed. “Perhaps. I can still sense magic at times. And this little game has been going on for decades. Most of us have seen this in some form or another. Lure people in with a shaky fortune and offer them some sort of protection. If they refuse, cast a simple spell and wait for them to return asking for help and charge them a fair penny to do so. I can’t believe they would risk spelling a Shadowhunter, though.”

“Are the effects always this intense?”

“Well, I’ve only seen a few people under the spell, but it tends to work in conjunction with the recipient’s personality. You are a very strong person, dear, but the weight you carry… I believe it made the effects of the spell worse.”

“So how do we get past this?”

Magnus wanted Alec to bring it up, to lead the conversation, but he didn’t think he had it in him this time. Alec was usually straight forward in the topics he wished to discuss, but apparently, he wasn’t ready to take the lead this time.  “We talk about it. I can understand that running the Institute can be daunting, but I don’t ever want you to have doubts about me, about us.”

Alec closed his eyes and shook his head before turning to look at Magnus, his shoulders drooping as he wrapped his arms around himself. “I don’t talk to you about this because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that one day you’re going to realize that this, us, isn’t worth it.”

“Alexander, why would you think that?”

“Come on, Magnus,” he whispered. “Everything that has happened to you. Azazel and Valentine only got to you because you were helping me. I lied to you about the Soul Sword. You lost your title because you lost faith in me. And now your magic is gone. At what point do you realize it’s too much? I want to be good for you, but it seems like all I do is cause you problems.”

“And your life would be easier if you weren’t dating a Downworlder. While you would still face a fair amount of bigotry, I suppose some would be more accepting if you were dating someone like your friend, Underhill.”

Alec shook his head. “I only want you.”

“Then you know how I feel,” Magnus said. “Alexander, I have lived for many years and have had my fair share of romantic encounters. Trust me when I tell you that you are worth everything. I love you.”

Alec’s gave him a shaky smile as his eyes filled with tears again. “I love you, too.”

“But do you trust me?” He always knew that Alexander loved him, but he wanted Alec to feel as if he could talk to him, the way Alexander always encouraged him to do.

“Of course I trust you. I just…”

Magnus waited for him to continue.

“When you mess up, there are repercussions.”

Magnus’s heart ached for what Alec didn’t say. “That is true, however, the beautiful thing about being in a loving, trusting relationship is that we work through it together. The things you mentioned earlier, some of it was extremely painful, but having you made it bearable. And before you start blaming yourself,” Magnus said when Alec went to interrupt. “I have experienced pain throughout my life, in some form or another. There is no escaping it. It will happen. The difference now is that you’re by my side. Please allow me be there for you.”

Alec nodded, still looking down and not meeting Magnus’s concerned gaze.

“How are you feeling?”

“Raw,” Alec croaked.

“Well, that is also an unfortunate side effect of the spell, of having your innermost fears exploited. You’ll feel better in a day or so.”

“Magnus?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“I feel really awful right now. Will you hold me?”

“Always,” he answered, folding his love into his arms.


End file.
